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If Carrie Brownstein were your girlfriend, she’d let you rant about bi invisibility as much as you wanted and never ever point out that you’re saying the same thing over and over and anyway, she already agrees with you. “That’s such a good point.”If Carrie Brownstein were your girlfriend, she’d be better than you at Scrabble but not so much better that it’s embarrassing to play with her. You’d always suspect that she was letting you win, but she wouldn’t be super obvious about it.If Carrie Brownstein were your girlfriend, you wouldn’t go on tour with her because she respects that you have your own life and your own ambitions, but you’d fly out to meet her somewhere warm and stay in a hotel room where she sprawls across the whole bed and tells you stories of all the weird people she’s met on the road this time and how much she’s missed you and how she can’t wait to come home and curl up with your cats.You’d sit together drinking it in your just-the-right-amount-cluttered breakfast nook (obviously you and Carrie Brownstein would get a place with a breakfast nook) on Saturday mornings, putting off making brunch because you’re enjoying talking to each other so much.When you went to coffeeshops to write, instead of the embarrassing sugary concoctions you order now, you’d get your caffeine fix from an Americano and the baristas would be impressed by your sophistication.They’d constantly be head-butting each other out of the way in order to snuggle with her, but they’d never come to blows about it.Somehow she would never get cat hair on her clothes.If Carrie Brownstein were your girlfriend, she’d let you borrow her awesome clothes, but she’d never let you embarrass yourself.Let’s be honest: there are some looks that Carrie Brownstein can pull off because she is a rock star, that ordinary mortals like yourself could never get away with.
You’d wake up still a little tired but incredibly happy, with a small smudge of her lipstick on your ear.
In fact, the cute barista with the glasses would be so into your Americano-drinking ways that she would want to date you, but of course you couldn’t date her because you’re already dating Carrie Brownstein.
If Carrie Brownstein were your girlfriend, her amazing musical partnership with Corin Tucker would inspire you to get along better with your exes, or at least stop hanging on to those last lingering shreds of bitterness and resentment.
I bet it would be perfect with that blouse,” and she’d be right, so you’d change and feel totally hot and amazing.
If Carrie Brownstein were your girlfriend, she’d make you laugh all the freaking time, obviously.